Girl Scouts Now and Then

I've had Girl Scouts on the brain lately. When a topic pops up randomly three times in a row, it must be something I need to talk about.

First, Kimberly Ann was working towards earning Farmgirl Sisterhood Merit Badges. Think Girl Scout badges for big girls. I thought it was an excellent program, but sadly, there were no actual badges for the effort. So I designed some just for fun for the projects KA was working on. (Designs here.) The white border is beginner level, yellow border is intermediate level, and green border is expert level. I tried to match the graphic to the requirements for each level.

I think earning adult merit badges is a fun and fabulous idea. I could come up with a whole bunch of others like Car Maintenance and Repair, Budgeting and Money Management, Plumbing, Lawn Care, Top-Shelf Margarita Making and other basic stuff adults need to learn to be grown-ups. Plus, we could go camping some too.

Second, Hat and I had a long conversation about Girl Scouts when we were growing up. Mainly I ranted a lot and Hat listened, but still, there it was.

Then the next evening CBS News had a story "Girl Scouts Get Makeover." They are now getting into things like robotics, environmental issues, techno-recycling and other more urbanized pursuits. Sigh. The whole point of Girl Scouts was to get girls into the great outdoors. The new techie-ness doesn't sound very outdoorsy.

I once overheard a scout's mom lament that Girl Scouts weren't allowed to go camping anymore because it was too dangerous. So her daughter's troop "camped out" in the school gymnasium with their hair dryers and iPods. Sheesh. A Girl Scout should to learn to pee in the woods like God intended without getting snake bitten or picking up chiggers. A girl needs to know these things.

The reporter in the news program asked the girls why they weren't in uniforms. They replied that they didn't like uniforms; freedom of expression and all. The reporter told the girl she was a radical girl scout and the girl said, "Thank you." I don't think the reporter meant that as a compliment.

The "we don't like uniforms" comment set my teeth on edge. Part of being a scout is belonging to the group and doing things as a group. A uniform shows membership in the group and reinforces the sense of belonging to something larger than yourself you little spoiled, self-centered, egotistical brat. Grrrrrr.

An interesting factoid in the news story was that only one in ten girls was a Girl Scout, but 70% of American congresswomen and 80% of American businesswomen were Girl Scouts. See what learning to pee in the woods will lead to?

(Warning: long rambling walk down memory lane coming.)

I was, of course, a Girl Scout and remained in scouting for as long as possible. I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED being a Girl Scout and everything about scouting (except selling cookies). Meetings were the highlight of my week during the school year, and the summer campouts and jamborees were heaven on earth.

I was fortunate to have an energetic, creative troop leader who stayed with our troop throughout our scouting career. She was *the* Girl Scout lady for our county and stayed in scouting long after all her daughters were grown and gone. I still call her every now and then and keep in touch.

I started as a Brownie in second grade (they didn't have Daisy Scouts back then) and kept at it until ninth grade. After that, nobody wanted to be a Senior Scout but me. All the other girls got interested in boys and makeup and stuff and dropped out.

And for the record, I LOVED wearing the uniform with all the pins and badges and googahs on it. I was PROUD to wear it. Here I am as a Brownie. Woo Hoo! Front page news, lead story! Look at those white gloves!


We wore our uniforms to school on meeting days. It's hard to see in this picture, but the Brownie uniform had a long orange tie. Daddy taught me to tie a Half-Windsor knot for neckties when I was in second grade and I had to tie all my boyfriend's ties all my life. I still tie Hubby's to this day.

If it happened to be soup day at school when we were wearing our uniforms, the lunch lady who handed out the greasy homemade yeast rolls (Yum!) and milk would lean over and carefully tuck our ties into the front placket of the uniform so they wouldn't drag in the soup. I would just beam when she did that. I thought it was sooooo cool.

Here I am at an awards ceremony as a Junior Scout. See all my badges? Yes, I loved earning badges. I loved the uniform beret too. I thought that was a cool hat.


And here I am as a Cadette at a campout.


The Cadettes were the workhorses at campouts. We had to set up all the tents, dig the la-las, and raise the flagpole. We also helped the troop leaders who had the little Brownies. Those tents were a mother to set up too. They were huge heavy canvas things that required at least four people to get them up. I still remember how to set one up, but that knowledge is archaic now with the new-fangled lightweight springpole numbers.

We lashed together tables, made sit-upons, pressed wildflowers, and cooked bacon and eggs on top of a tin can. We sang songs around the campfire. One I still hum to myself called "Barges." It was a round. Do Girl Scouts still sing rounds??

We whittled stuff too. Every Girl Scout was required to carry a pocket knife at all times. Would you let your second-grader carry a pocketknife? No? I didn't think so. We swatted skeeters and squealed at snakes and learned to pee in the woods. It was a magical time in my life.

I still want to be a Girl Scout. Do they have Brownies for big girls? I'll wear the beanie and everything...

Magical Stuff in the Woods

When we were visiting Camp Tickville last week, I saw this bright little red and yellow thing sticking up out of the dead leaves. At first I thought it was a part from a child's toy. When I got closer I saw it was a strange little mushroom.

It was about four inches tall and looked for all the world like a Roma tomato stuck on top of a #2 yellow pencil.





This is brother-in-law trying to take a picture of it. This bright little thing looked kinda odd in the dullness of the woods. I mean the mushroom, not brother-in-law.



We have the buff white toadstools everywhere but this little critter was new to me. When I looked closer I could see they were all out in the woods.



They were kinda magical. I half expected some elfin creature to pop out from beneath them.

In one of the photos I can see the elfin Mushroom Guard with his quiver of feather arrows, his bow made of a pine needle, and his strange Chinese helmet.

No, we did not made mushroom tea. Thank you for asking.

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The other magical thing out in the woods was this enormous petrified land tortoise rock.





I can imagine this guy lumbering along eons ago in the forests of Tarabithia, Arkansas, imparting his centuries-old wisdom on the young children who play there.

And no, you may not have some of my mushroom tea.

The Stink of Maple

We had bacon and eggs for supper last night. The bacon was "hardwood smoked maple" flavor. I didn't realize this when I grabbed it at the store or I never would have bought it. Instead of filling the house with the glorious smell of frying bacon, the house filled with the sickeningly sweet smell of maple syrup.

Supper was eighteen hours ago and the maple syrup smell is still in the air. It makes me wanna barf. Oh, and the bacon tasted like it had maple syrup on it which made it yucky too. Bacon is supposed to taste salty like manly-man meat, not sweet like pancakes.

I like eating maple syrup, I just can't take the smell. When we have pancakes the dishes get washed immediately. I can't even stand the smell lingering on a rinsed plate.

I don't know what it is with the maple smell and me. I don't remember being sickened by the smell as a child. Maybe we never ate maple syrup when I was little. I dunno. All I know is that sometime in the past ten years I have developed a pretty strong aversion to maple syrup smell.

Is it just me or does anyone else have this problem with stinky maple?

Corpses in Space

If you blow a corpse out the pod bay door without the benefit of any type of container, how long would it take for the body to decompose in the cold vacuum of space? Would it just float around out there forever or would some anaerobic bacteria be able to finally eat it up?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Brain Poop: Gnats, Libraries, and Going Stinky

I need to poop out a few thoughts now because my brain is getting constipated.

1) Gnats - The house has been invaded by gnats. I have been swatting at them constantly for the last three days or so. For every one I kill, two more take its place. I have no idea where they're coming from and they are driving me CRAZY. I am so tired of whapping at black specks I just gave up, named one, and let him live on my forehead. Sigh. I fear I resemble a starving Somalian child with flying things sucking at the corners of my eyes.

2) Small town libraries - We are fortunate in that we have two libraries in Our Town: the county library and the community college library. We are unfortunate in that they both suck. I went to the county library first looking for books on cartooning techniques. They had about five books on drawing like the Masters and that was it. Those five were all older than me by the way. Off to the CC. They didn't have what I was looking for either, but I did find a thick book on Disney animation. Since I realized I've been drawing Mickey Mouse hands all this time I thought I might find something good in there.

At the check-out desk was a pile of bookmarks with a list of banned books. "Banned Books Through the Ages. These books have all been banned at one time or another on religious grounds." There were 26 books on the list. I said to the librarian lady....

Me: Banned books! Woo hoo! My summer reading list all on a bookmark. I've been wanting to read "The Sorrows of Young Werther" by Goethe. Where can I find it?
Her: I'm pretty sure we don't have that one.
Me: How 'bout "On the Infinite Universe and Worlds" by Giordano Bruno???
Her: Um, nope.
Me: "The Guide of the Perplexed" by Moses Maimonides???
Her: Don't have that one either.

Sigh. Unless you want to read paperback novels, our little libraries aren't good for much.

3) Going Green, Going Stinky - Saw a commercial with Tommy Lee where he said he hadn't had a shower in a week and saved 268 gallons of water. He was kidding, of course, but it made me think. Could it be in our efforts to go Green and conserve water that society goes back to the Saturday night bath only? Could we live that way again?

I sometimes push the limit between soapings, but I don't think I could make it more than 48 hours, tops. After that I'd be itchin' like I had fleas. And I really wouldn't want to be anywhere close to Tommy Lee a week after his last shower. He would probably smell like old sex leavings or something. I don't care how huge his Mr. Happy is, that's just nasty.

Apropos of Nothing:

Kitty helps Daddy read the paper

I don't know what these two do inside that paper, but I find 'em like this every morning.

44 Hotdogs

Ever had a snippet of something stuck in your brain that just wouldn't go away? I've had one for the past week or so.

I was standing out on the porch, minding my own business, and this idea came flying up outta nowhere and stung me in the brain like a pesky skeeter:

44 hotdogs all in a row....

44 hotdogs???? What kind of a goofball kernel of an idea is that? Where did *that* come from? I don't want to be thinking about hotdogs, I want to be pondering on black holes and red dwarfs and cosmic catastrophes and suchlike. You know, intellectual high falutin' stuff.

Nope, I got hotdogs instead.

Well, the danged ol' hotdog idea has given me an itch I just can't seem to scratch.

I worked on it a while trying to make it congeal into something, but it just wasn't happening. I've been doodling little caricatures on scraps of paper hoping it would finally bloom into fruition. Nope, still not happening.

Since I can't make it into a whole, I've got to poop out the part I've got and let it be just a part, dangit. I *hate* when that happens. But I can't seem to get rid of this critter any other way and I've got to move on.

Here's the image of my hotdog farmer wearing a straw hat (yes, that's what the fuzzy yellow thing is at the top), scratching his head in puzzlement. Imagine 44 of them all in a row doing a little bouncy, bendy hotdog dance in time to the music.


And here's the verse that's been swarming around with it. I think this should be sung to some long ago childhood nursery rhyme or the college frat beer chugging tune, or some bizarre combination of both.

Forty-four hotdogs all in a row,
Scratchin' their heads cuz nuthin would grow.
White buns toasting in the noonday sun,
Forty-four hotdogs not having fun.

Pertaters planted with the butterbeans,
Cabbage, okry and turnip greens.
They finally decided "What's the use?"
And watered their crops with hot dog juice.

And I have the overwhelming urge to end it with the frat song finale:
Sung by the whorehouse - quartet.
Have ya got a hard-on? Not yet.
Are ya gonna get one? You bet!

I must be:
a) sleep deprived;
b) huffing too much fingernail polish remover;
c) watching too many old Sesame Street cartoons; or
d) all of the above.

Brought to you by the letter "H" and the number 4.

What Were They Thinking? - TV Commercials

I've been in Major Couch Potato mode lately. I've earned three more stripes for my uniform and seen waaaay too many commercials. Sometimes I wonder, "What were they thinking???"

1) AcipHex

AcipHex is a pill for the relief of heartburn and acid reflux. The brand name probably is a moosh of words that stand for something like Acid PH Extermination or something like that. Named so doctors can easily remember what it should be prescribed for. That's all well and good I suppose. The name looks all medical-like written on the prescription pad. Unfortunately, when pronounced, it sounds like "Ass Effects."

"Hey Bill, having problems with heartburn again? You should get some Ass Effects."

I half expected Bill to turn around and look at his butt. Didn't someone in product development say the name out loud a time or two? Didn't anyone speak up in those meetings and say, "Maybe we should rethink this...."

Perhaps if you take this drug you will end up with a J-Lo butt. Hummm...lemme run that past the marketing department.


2) It may not be under control....

There are two commercials with a problem here: one for an asthma inhaler; another for Crohn's Disease. The same writers were hired for both commercials.

Both state, "If you are taking medication for your problem and are still having symptoms, your problem may not be under control."

Duh. YA THINK???


3) Pam cooking spray

The commercial says your food won't stick to anything if you use Pam. Some really cool special effects show the food seemingly floating on air. Pulling the kabobs off the invisible skewer makes sense. Pam makes the skewer so non-stick you won't even know it's there. Fair enough.

The part I find rather stupid is the little bit of spaghetti floating around in lots of water in a huge, invisible pot. Now I'm not the bestest cook in the world and I've scorched, burnt, and stuck my share of dinners. But never, ever have I had a problem with water sticking to my cookware. What were they thinking???


4) The Andromeda Strain - A&E

A&E has remade the old sci-fi classic The Andromeda Strain and it premiers on Memorial Day. All well and good. What's not so good is they have decided to run the commercial for it at EVERY commercial break throughout the day on A&E. If I watch A&E I will be subjected to this commercial sixty bazillion times between now and then.

If I had any inclination to watch it when the first commercial aired, I now most assuredly do not because I am sooooo tired of it and hacked at A&E for airing it so often. I probably won't watch A&E until after Memorial Day just to avoid this stupid commercial. I'll bet I'm not the only one.

A&E are you reading this? Wanna rethink this promotion???

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OK, enough about commercials. I wanna talk about the original Andromeda Strain movie. There are two things I remember about it.

1) The body sterilizer machine

Before the scientists can enter the underground lab, they have to git nekkid in a sterilizing chamber and put on this cool sparkly helmet thingy. A big flash burns off all their body hair and dead skin cells.



How cool! I SO need me one of those! No more shaving legs and pits and other body bits. No more crusty elbows! My feetsies would look fantastic in those cute little strappy summer sandals now. Every morning I could step into SteriMax 9000 and Poof! I'd be good to go. No more razor burns; no more Ped Eggs.

I wonder if the sparkly helmet is included or would I have to buy that separately? Maybe it's free with separate shipping and handling.


2) Drinking sterno

One line of the movie is, "The only survivors are a crying baby and an old man who drinks sterno." That drinking sterno bit kinda flummoxed me and I've never figured it out. It's one of those INUs that's been orbiting my Giant Spitwad for the past 38 years.

I always thought sterno was that purple jelly stuff that burns in a little can under the pans on a buffet table. How does one drink purple jelly???

Inquiring minds want to know.

Dark Matter

Another astrophysics post, sorry. I've got this stuck in my head and need to poop it out of my brain. If you aren't the Adonis of Astrophysics Neil deGrasse Tyson, or Auld Hat, you might want to move on to the next blog. Anybody else, fair warning, your brain might explode.

So I'm watching this TV show on Dark Matter. Not the Dark Matter from The Golden Compass movie; Dark Matter that astrophysicists drool over.

It is supposedly some stringy snotlike stuff that glues all the bits of the universe together. That don't know what it is exactly because it can't be seen or felt, but they know it is out there holding things together because it bends light. It's not everywhere in the universe, just in strings from galaxy to galaxy.

There was an animation showing all these beautiful ginormous stringy structures a katrillion light years wide with all kinds of arms and branches. (Note my use of the scientific terms "ginormous" and "katrillion." Aren't you so proud?)

The question of the millennium is "What is Dark Matter?"

Well, dit di dee <--Carlos Mencia voice

I'm just a little ol' hick from Arkansaw, but the answer seems obvious to me...dark matter is time.

Time bends light.

All the bits of our universe are held together with the stringy snot of time. If we could somehow break out of the snot string, we would be able to do the old Star Trek warp drive jump thingy. We could breach the membrane of the branch of dark matter holding our galaxy and break into the void of non-time, then break back into the dark matter on some other branch of the snot string.

Perhaps black holes are the gateways in and out of the dark matter.

The question then becomes, "What is non-time?"

Has your brain exploded yet?

I have not yet calculated the formula for non-time but I'll get right to work on that...after I figure out how to make Fettuccine Alfredo sauce. We budding astrophysicists have to eat ya know.

There might also be pie.