Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Deathbed Chronicles

I'm still recovering from a bout of the killer flu I contracted back on April 3rd. The month of April has sucked real bad because of it. That's what I get for playing kissy-face with snotty-nosed triplets who are, by the way, just as cute as can be.

Gratuitous triplet pic with their momma:



I thought I would bitch-n-moan a little about my flu adventures in case you didn't get the privilege of experiencing the flu this season.

Day 1 - Friday, April 3 - I was staying at my sister's house (which is covered in snotty-nosed triplet goo) when I felt a familiar ache across my shoulders. Dang it! I didn't want to be sick. By the end of the evening I could barely raise my arm above shoulder height. My hair begins to hurt.

Day 2 - I mope around during the day trying to will myself to be well. It isn't working. Fever sets in and I crash into bed about 7:00 p.m.

Day 3 - Hubby drives halfway across to state to rescue me because I am unable to drive.

Day 4-6 - Fever, fever, fever, cough, cough, cough. Every time I cough I hurl. Joy.

Day 7 - I attempt to take a bath. I realize I have no strength whatsoever. Hubby has to wash my hair and bathe me like a baby. I sit in the tub and cry because I feel so bad.

Day 8 - Coughing has caused several blood vessels in my eyeballs to burst. The whites of my eyes look like slabs of raw meat. I could be a star in a killer vampire movie.

Day 10 - Easter Sunday - My fever finally broke and I was able to be vertical for a few hours. Ate solid food for first time since this whole thing started.

Day 11 - Fluid is packed in both ears resulting in terrible earache, dizziness and nausea. Considered poking ear with ice pick to relieve the pain.

Day 13 - Started round of high-powered antibiotics suspecting an ear infection. Started gulping down double doses of acidophilus to ward off impending yeast infection from said antibiotics.

Day 15 - Ran out of Rx decongestant; went to drugstore to get some OTC stuff. Shuffled around store like 90-year-old woman. Sudden movements made the world spin. Wasn't sure where the floor was any more.

Day 19 - Ears are still packed with fluid and I realize I need professional eardrum-lancing help. The only ENT in town is on vacation and his office is closed all week. Gah!

Day 20 - Thought I was well enough to make a Wal-Mart run. I was wrong. I was OK for the first 15 minutes but crumpled in the check-out line. Had to go sit on bench and tried not to pass out.

Day 22 - Hubby has been bravely doing the laundry (shudder) for the past three weeks and the whites have become a weird shade of pinkish gray. I don't think I want to know what he did to get 'em that color. He asks how to wash a rug the cat has barfed on. I shove him out of the way and take over. "Oh thank god!" he says, "You're telling me I'm doing it wrong!" This is his way of saying, "I'm so glad you're alive again Honey."

Day 25 - Called ENT's office to make an appointment. First available is in two weeks, Monday, May 11. I tell the receptionist that I'll be well or dead by then, but I'll take it. She types in my name. Then she asks what I'm coming in for.

"I've had the flu and now I have fluid in my ears. It's been this way for two weeks. It's making me dizzy and nauseated."

"Oh!" says she, "that makes a difference!"

Goody, I think, maybe she'll tell me I can come in today and they will squeeze me in as an 'emergency' appointment.

"If you've been experiencing dizziness, you have to be referred to us by your primary physician. Office policy."

WTF??? What more could my doc tell them that I hadn't???

"The first referral appointment time we have open is Tuesday, May 12."

Why can't I come in on the 11th??? Oh, that's right, that appointment is already taken. By me. Pfft. I heave a big sigh and tell her, "Nevermind" and hang up the phone.

Ya know, other people seem to be able to get in to see a physician within 48 hours when they have something going wrong. I've never been able to get that done. That's why I don't go to the doctor. By the time I get to the office I'm well, so what's the point of picking up the phone in the first place?

All I want right now is for somebody who knows their way around an ear to make a tiny, sterile hole with a tiny, sterile needle in my eardrum so all the gook will run out. That's all. Is that too much to ask? Why must it be a major production? The whole thing should take 10 minutes tops and I'll be outta there. Simple. But oh no, not happening.

So now I'm plodding around with stuffed up ears. I hear every heartbeat in both ears. It makes a wet shooshy-shooshing noise like a fetal heartbeat monitor makes. Plus both ears crackle every time I swallow. Oh joy.

The rest of the flu symptoms are gone and I feel rather normal (if I ever was 'normal') except for hearing the world from the bottom of a well. I can't hear for squat out of my left ear and the right one isn't too spiffy.

Day 26 - Contemplating sterilizing an ice pick for a little in-home surgery this evening.