Funeral Fashion Police

Hubby and I attended a funeral today in a little country church way back in the woods. About 25 members of the "Bikers Fer Jesus" gang showed up on their Hogs dressed in full leather regalia with chains. Mixed in were some salt-of-the-earth farmer folks from down in the country and a few Dallas Dolls with $300 haircuts and designer dresses. This eclectic mix of folks was packed in the church like sardines. Standing room only.

Every social group has slightly different standards for what is considered appropriate attire for funerals. I was raised with the archaic notion that beach wear and hoochie-momma outfits are not appropriate for church funerals. The ladies should wear dresses, the gentlemen suits. I might wear nice slacks to a funeral parlor funeral, but in a church I'm showin' some leg properly encased in pantyhose, stickyhot Arkansas summer day or not.

I had no problem whatsoever with the Bikers Fer Jesus in their leathers. The deceased was a member of that organization so I found their attire to be entirely appropriate, church funeral or not. Nor did I find fault with the little barefooted country children. I wanted to be barefooted too. But there were three folks who were in danger of being arrested by the Fashion Police.

1) The Hoochie Momma in the Mini Skirt

Yew might be a redneck if....
...your grandma wears a mini-skirt to a funeral.

She caught my eye striding along the back edge of the crowd. She was a head taller than everyone else and moving at a clip that told me she had legs about five feet long. She was a Bottle Blonde with a leather face and probably in her mid to late 50s.

When she cleared the edge of the crowd, I was stunned. I never saw her blouse because I was riveted by the sight of the camel-colored denim micro-mini skirt she was wearing...with black hose! Eeek! The skirt was barely long enough to cover her cootchie. If she had been 14 years old, the skirt would have looked really cute on her, but her momma still would have made her go back to her room and change. On a 55-year-old it was a fashion disaster.

2) Larry the Cable Guy

Yew might be a redneck if...
...you go to a funeral dressed like Larry the Cable Guy.

I did a double-take on this cat. He was the spittin' image of Larry the Cable Guy. He had on a red plaid shirt with the sleeves cut out, jeans, work boots, and a sweat stained gimme cap complete with a big ol' fish hook bent around the edge of the brim. I can understand a hard working guy taking an hour from his labors to attend a funeral, but really! Couldn't he have tossed a clean T-shirt and cap in the truck when he left for work this morning??? Sweaty, hairy pits are just gross.

3) The Nephew's Girlfriend

Yew might be a redneck if...
...your girlfriend wears flip-flops and a Larry the Cable Guy shirt to a funeral.

The nephew's girlfriend was about 16. She had some notion that she was supposed to wear black to a funeral, but she missed the mark. She did have on a black camisole, but it was most definitely of the underwear variety, not one that was meant to be worn as outwear. Over that was thrown an unbuttoned hot pink plaid shirt with the sleeves cut out. Below that was a faded pair of hip hugger jeans and a pair of cheap plastic beach flip-flops. Where is this girl's momma???

Ya know, people probably think Jeff Foxworthy makes this stuff up. If you are one of those people, you have never visited Lower Arkansas.