How to get to Heaven from Pine Bluff, Arkansas

Some lost soul found my blog Googling for an answer to "How to get to Heaven from Pine Bluff, Arkansas." I can feel their pain and despair. Sounds like a great title for a country & western song or a Memphis blues classic.

If I found myself stuck in Pine Bluff with no possible means of escape, I could see that Heaven would seem to be the only way out. I would be praying that The Rapture was imminent to flee the torturous predicament of my existence. Now I'm not hatin' on Pine Bluff particularly...well, yes I am. I've been there once and saw no compelling reason to return. But then I have the same sentiments for almost every little town in Arkansas south of I-30.

I can imagine some poor kid desperate for a life beyond Smalltown, Arkansas pecking away at his computer keyboard in search of an answer. Maybe he was guilt-ridden over some imagined indiscretion; his tormented soul believing there was to be no forgiveness for his sins. Was it possible that a sinner in Pine Bluff, Arkansas could repent and gain access to Heaven???

Well kid, apparently you have remorse for your actions so there's hope for you yet. What did ya do? Kill somebody? He needed killin' is still a valid defense here in Arkansas. Anything other than that is no big sweat. That guilt-trip you're on was probably initiated by a small-minded individual who never left the borders of Jefferson County. Let the immortal words of Pete Townshend be your mantra, "I don't need to be forgiven."

I'll tell ya what to do kid. Get out of Pine Bluff as soon as humanly possible, but not by way of Heaven. Car, train, or bicycle will do. Join the Navy, the French Foreign Legion, or the Peace Corps. All of them will provide transportation for your exodus. Go out and see the world while you're young. Meet strange and interesting people who do not eat cornbread dressing for Thanksgiving. Discover "different" is not "wrong."

If you aren't up for worldwide adventure, at least try to cross a state line. No, no, not that way! That'll take you to Mississippi and ya really don't want to go there. Go west to Texas, maybe further to California. Maybe there's a little bit o' Heaven out thatta way. If ya find it, let me know, I'll come join you.

Whatever route you take may not get you to The Pearly Gates, but at least it will get you the hell out of Pine Bluff. That in itself would be an improvement.

Good Luck kid. Send a postcard.

Fishing in Heaven: A Raw Deal for Worms

I guy I knew who was a big fishing nut died last month. I made the comment that he would now get to fish in the eternal river where the fish are always bitin’. That got me to thinking, what would you use for bait in Heaven? It seems like a raw deal for the worms.

Consider the case of Ernie the Earthworm. Ernie has lived a full and saintly life here on Earth. He has done his wormly duty by making compost out of leaves. He has raised his children to be good little worms and he was loving and faithful to his wormly little wife all those months. Now he has passed on and St. Peter has punched his ticket into Heaven.

Ernie is crawling around on the riverbanks of Heaven doing what earthworms are wont to do, when suddenly someone picks him up and impales him on a fishhook. That just doesn’t seem right does it? Maybe they don’t allow fishing and fishhooks in Heaven you say. That doesn’t seem right either. If Heaven is a place of eternal bliss, somebody’s gonna be mad if they can’t go fishing.