Letting Go of Guilt and Perfection

I was supposed to mail out some information to seven people on July 24th. I had called them all on Monday the 23rd, so the mailout should have been at the post office on the 24th; 25th at the latest.

I could have stuck it in an envelope without explanation but I thought that was too unprofessional. A handwritten post-it didn't seem right either. The perfect thing to do would be to enclose a cover letter. Each one would have to be carefully crafted to reflect an appropriate amount of professionalism, but with a little dab of warm-n-fuzziness. I'm not a warm-n-fuzzy person. I like writing blunt, no-nonsense business letters which wouldn't work in this case.

I didn't want to write the letters, so I put it off. "This weekend," I said to myself, "I'll mail them out on Saturday. That's a little late, but not too bad."

I missed Saturday's mail, so I told myself I would do it Monday when Hubby was back at work. I didn't want to do it Monday either. It was getting embarrassingly late at this point. I needed to get them mailed, but I couldn't seem to make myself do it. The letters had to be perfect, each one, and I couldn't find the perfect words.

That week dragged by. My Guilt-o-Meter was creeping towards critical. I felt guilty, but I still couldn't get started. I sat at my desk and played endless games of Solitaire instead.

Click, click, click. Congratulations! You Won! Would you like to start a new game? Yes. Click, click, click.

I couldn't do anything else until I got those letters out. I *must* get those letters out. They have top priority over everything. They must be finished before I can do anything fun.

New Game? Yes. Click, click, click.

Another week dragged by. The Guilt-o-Meter was pegged out.

Must mail letters, must mail letters....

New Game? Yes. Click, click, click.

My life and ambition level was screeching to a halt. The guilt factor had morphed me into a catatonic blob. Because the letters weren't getting done, nothing was getting done...not cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, blogging...nothing. By Friday, August 10th, the letters were three weeks overdue.

Then I had an epiphany of sorts. I realized the letters had not gone out like they should, were not going out any time soon, and may never go out. They might go out without a cover letter after all. I'm not perfect, I don't have to be perfect, and the mailout will obviously not be perfect.

I decided not to worry about them anymore. I would get to them when I damn well pleased. I let go of the guilt that was causing me to put my life on hold. I built silly craft projects, cleaned the house, and cleaned out the closets. I did all the laundry and wrote some blog posts. My creative right brain, held hostage by the guilt, opened up and breathed fresh air for the first time in three weeks. I felt like a different person.

I realized too that I've lived out this guilt pattern all my life. My mother expected me to be perfect, and I was pretty successful living up to that expectation. I adopted it as my own. I try to be perfect, even though I know in my brain that perfection is really unattainable as well as unnecessary. But still, that doesn't stop me from trying. I just have to remember to not feel guilty when I don't make it.

New Life Motto: No Perfection, No Guilt