Note: This is a long story. Get yourself a fresh cup of coffee and get comfortable, this'll take a while. And no, I'm not fixin' to out myself as a lesbian. Different closet. You'll see.
I remember the moment very clearly but not the actual date. I can still see it vividly in my mind's eye. It was some time around 1996. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror getting ready for work one morning.
I had been under a lot of stress because I had been commanded by The Big Boss to plan and organize a company picnic. I hate doing extracurricular crap like that for work. However, I did what I was told and the picnic was wonderful and went off without a hitch. A good time was had by all...or so I heard. I didn't attend. I hate parties. I would rather have a root canal than attend a party.
So I'm standing looking at myself in the mirror. What a hypocrite I was for talking up this picnic to everyone then not even putting in an appearance. What was wrong with me? Why do I dislike parties so much?
Then I had an epiphany, a seminal moment, a moment of clarity. As I looked at myself in the mirror, I thought, "I am an introvert. I hate parties and always have. I will never be the 'life of the party'. I will never be petite and blonde; no one will ever use the word 'cute' to describe me. I am an old curmudgeon. I will never be a warm -n- fuzzy people person. I will always have this Southern hick drawl. I will never be considered fashionable or sophisticated. I will always be a bespectacled blind bat. I will always suck at sports. I will never be considered athletic. I will never figure out how to play the piano. I will always be #2, never #1, at anything I attempt. I am a 'B' student, not an 'A' student. I will never make a million dollars. I will never own my own business. I will never have children. I am just an average Joe, somewhere in the middle of the pack. This is who I am. This is who I've always been. I will not change. I will not be any different no matter how hard I try. This is me."
It kind of hit me all at once. Like a smack between the eyes.
You see, I had tried all my life to be "normal", to act like the rest of society, but it wasn't me. I knew I was different somehow, but couldn't quite put my finger on it. Trying to be normal was an enormous burden. It took a lot of energy to pretend to be something I was not. I thought I was being honest with how I presented myself to other people, but in fact I wasn't. I think the mask/facade showed. It made folks uncomfortable to be around me. They could see there was something else under the surface, so my apparent dishonesty of actions didn't match my very vocal, "What you see is what you get" mantra. I didn't realize at the time that I had on a mask. I thought everyone was like me, but that most people just had a lot more practice at being outgoing.
I pondered on my morning epiphany all day. The more I thought about it the wearier I became. The burden of pretending to be someone I wasn't had become too much to bear. I was tired of lugging that millstone around my neck all the time. It was time for a change. I decided to be brutally honest with myself and with everyone else. I was a curmudgeonly old introvert and that was that.
The next day I told my friends and co-workers about my epiphany. Some gave me strange looks, some looked relieved. Relieved! I guess they were relieved that I had finally admitted out loud what everyone else already knew. Gak! Was my mask that obvious?
From that day forward I freely admitted my curmudgeonly introvertedness to people, at appropriate times of course. It's not like I shouted it from the rooftops or anything. When invited to a party or social gathering I would grin a big grin and reply with a chuckle, "Hey! Thanks for the invite. I appreciate it, I really do. But I'm a curmudgeonly old introvert and I would rather have a root canal than go to a party. I only attend funerals. But I hope your party is wonderful and everybody has a great time. If you ever have a funeral, please let me be the first one you call."
Thinking I was kidding they would reply, "Aw, come on and go. There will be tons of people there. It'll be fun!"
I would retort, "That's your definition of fun. But I'll tell ya what, I'll make you a deal. If I come to your party for three hours and have fun your way, you have to come to my house the next day and have fun my way. We could catalog my South American Spitting Cockroach collection for three hours, just you and me. It'll be loads of fun. I can't wait! Whadya say??? Deal?"
They would roll their eyes and walk away shaking their head.
After I "came out" as a curmudgeonly introvert, some of my friends fell by the wayside. They didn't have the time of day for me after that. But then the most amazing thing happened. Even though I proclaimed to be a loner introvert, people started flocking to me. They wanted to be with me, around me, talk to me. Hey! This wasn't going anything like I had imagined. Introverts like their solitude and here I had a flock of folks that wanted to Velcro themselves to my hip. I didn't understand. I thought that once I was a publicly professed old grump people would leave me alone like I had leprosy or something. Nope. Wrong. They were attracted to me like flies to honey.
What happened, I now see in hindsight, is that I finally presented a cohesive personality to the world. I didn't speak one way and act another. There wasn't the veil of uncomfortable dishonesty that was there before. People actually got what they saw...and they liked it. They liked it a lot. I guess there is a place at everybody's table for a curmudgeonly old grump. Good for a laugh maybe.
Life for me after coming out was nothing short of miraculous. My millstone was gone. I no longer had to expend a huge amount of energy pretending. I had fresh eyes and saw the world in a whole new way. I was energized, motivated. I was finally happy. I could fly.
I feel a huge amount of empathy for my gay brothers and lesbian sisters who are still closeted. I understand (kinda, sorta) the hell in which they live not having the freedom to be themselves. I salute and embrace those who have come out of the closet. Welcome to the world! Let true living begin!
I think lots of people out there (not just the gay folks) are living in a closet of their own making, trying to be someone they are not just because of some societal stricture. Not being honest with themselves about who they are and suffering for it. That's not to say folks should quit trying to achieve their goals. I'm just saying that pretending isn't a good or healthy thing, either for themselves or others.
Take a good look in the mirror tomorrow morning. Is your true self gazing back? If not, open the door and step out of the closet. It may be scary and dramatic at first. Some friends may be lost, but new friends will be gained. I know of what I speak.
Life is good out here in the fresh air.
11 comments:
Beautifully written, and right on the mark.
I completely understand the two faces to the world thing. Not because I'm gay, but because I, too, am an introvert - and I work in a profession where extroversion is highly valued.
Yours is a lesson that I need to internalize. Thank you.
Great story, Speck. If you weren't an introverted curmudgeon, I'd say that you should share this knowledge with high school kids, where all this closet making really takes off. But I'm glad you shared it with the cyber world. I do believe that putting things out into the world makes a difference.
Very cool. As a big ol' Extrovert, I can't relate per se -- but as I related on my blog the other day, I don't have the same JOYOUS and RAPTUROUS experience that others do when working from home, for example. A lot of people -- most of them introverts, I imagine -- cannot understand why I wouldn't want to work from home every single day. But the very idea is repellent to me. I need people; they're my batteries.
I will admit to being a little uncomfortable with your feeling that you'll always be no. 2, not no. 1, a "B" student and not an "A" student. The great thing about knowing yourself is that now you can define success in a way that works for you -- perhaps you'll never get an "A" the way that I define "A," but you can likely succeed in a way that I could not. Somethin' to think about ...
I stand outed right behind you....I don't like being next to anyone but Steve. Unlike you however, no one has flocked to me. I guess I said no one too many times. I tried being a blonde, tried cute (absolutely no cute or beautiful genes), tried designer handbags to look cool but the fact is I like being braless in paint spattered sweats at home, inside, talking to my pets. After decades of nursing and having to talk to people...and very sick ones at that....I worked in a Library. Not one book I picked up ever demanded anything from me. So, books are my real friends.
After talking and talking about this post to Hat, I am going to print it out. You have made a deep impression on me with this post...kind of like a facial wrinkle but not in a bad way....maybe I will call them learning lines......thank you Speck.
Wow, that was one hell of an epiphany. The best ones are the ones that actually result in change. People are attracted to genuine things, regardless of what that is. Your genuine self is shining through now. Very cool.
MG - I worked in an extrovert-centric job for years and did very well at it. But it drained my batteries so much that all I did was work and sleep. The physical toll was enormous. I was much happier in an introvert-centric job, but unfortunately, those jobs don't pay nearly as well. I suppose one would have to decide priorities to find a balance. Sometimes advancing age is a big factor when deciding those priorities. :) and :(
KA - You hit the nail on the head. Telling my story in the cyberland is the best an introverted ol' curmudgeon could do. I hope lots of lost little introverts (young and old) find it and finally embrace and rejoice in their introversion. I'd start an introverts club but nobody would show up because, well, we would all be introverts. (big grin)
Red - My statement should be modified to read, "I will always be #2...a 'B' student....middle of the pack because that's the way I want it to be because I am an introvert." It's not because of an inability to succeed, it's because I purposely pull up short in my efforts so that I *won't* be #1. The #1 position comes with the glare of the spotlight and I get a sunburn in the spotlight. I much prefer skulking around in the #2 position because I can be much more productive with less attention paid to my actions. My own personal satisfaction at doing a good job is my reward, not the accolades or recognition from someone else.
I don't always dodge the bullet of #1 however. I have boxes of #1 awards, commendations and certificates stuck in the closet. (This is gonna sound like a pompous, egotistical asshat comment, but...) Hellzbellz, sometimes I achieve success when I'm not even trying. (A long story, that.)
Rosemary -
"...braless in paint spattered sweats..."
Hahahaha! Are you sure you aren't my long-lost sister??? We have the same designer; we might be twins. You can come hang out at my house anytime. Later we can don our tiaras and Sweet Potato Queen banners over the sweats and go to the grocery store and giggle manically in the frozen foods section like we have good sense. Never you mind those odd stares. Folks don't know exquisite Domestic Hotness when they see it. Pfft.
"You have made a deep impression on me with this post..."
{{{Hugs}}} to you darling', big ol' squenchy hugs.
Cowbell - There ya go!...Genuine! That's the word that was needed here, thanks! Yes, people are attracted to genuine people. I try to be genuine. Genuinely crazy and nutters at times, but in a good way. (I hope!)
P. S. to Red -
I freely admit to being an abysmal failure at two things: sports and music. I have a real problem with depth perception and hand-to-eye coordination. I get hit with the ball a lot. With music, I have come to the conclusion God did not program my brain with the correct synaptical firing sequences to process music. I just don't get it. YEARS of varied musical training did nothing for me except confirm the fact that music is out of my grasp. Meh on the sports failure. Dammit on the music failure. That one makes me sad. "I can play the radio!" she says brightly.
You nailed it honey. That was great!
I equate it to being set free from a prison I had built around myself... and now if anyone has a problem with the me that I really am, I refuse to help them carry it. The burden is all their's.
p. alan -
"...I refuse to help them carry it."
Wow! I am blown away by this magnificent little phrase. Most excellent! This is going into Speck's Big Book of Wisdom. Thank you!
You're most welcome. I'm flattered!
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