Funeral Headquarters

In the obituaries in my hometown newspaper, the last line often reads, "The family will be headquartered at the home of...." This lets folks know where to pay their respects and drop off the casserole without having to drive all over town. While this is a charming Southern tradition when someone dies, I would be appalled to know that at the hour of my death, half the town would descend upon my house only to discover it has been a while since I scrubbed the toilet.

At Funeral Headquarters, the family decides which dress to bury Momma in, picks out music for the funeral and deals with an onslaught of food. How much ham is really necessary to bury someone in Lower Arkansas? When my friend Cindy Lou's momma died, I ended up with a fully cooked ham complete with pineapple rings, Maraschino cherries, and a wonderful glaze. It was still warm from the oven when she foisted it on me at the visitation. She said there were already two whole hams at the house in addition to several sliced ham trays. We ate ham for months afterward...ham steaks, ham sandwiches, diced ham in salads. I didn't know ham would keep in the freezer, but it does, and fairly well too.

Back at Funeral Headquarters, the family also has to deal with the cut-throat actions of the widder women who come to pitch their woo to the newly minted widower. A widowed man with a home, acreage and a military pension is quite a catch around here. The Widder Women walk around Funeral Headquarters redecorating the rooms in their head. You can see it in their eyes, "Oh how tacky, that would *have* to go," and "My sofa would look so great over there by the fireplace." Cindy Lou had to run off two women who had overstayed their welcome battling over her daddy. The third day after the funeral she told 'em they needed to go back home and stay there.

It got me to thinking about the word "headquartered." To me that evokes the idea of a military command post; a place to plan a battle strategy. Is this what we do in Lower Arkansas? Plan a battle strategy against Death? Or is it against the mourners?